Bob Alper Rabbi Turns . . . Comedian? (The Rotarian)

(This story has appeared in slightly different forms in Lifestyles, Esteem, The Rotarian and a few other places since I first wrote it in April 1995. And, in the interests of full disclosure, I must admit that Bob has become a personal and family friend.)

By Bob Andelman

When Bob Alper, the world's only rabbi/standup comedian, performs before a mixed audience of Jews and non-Jews, he always starts by asking the Jews to talk amongst themselves ("Asking Jews to talk amongst themselves is like asking mammals to breathe," he says) while he uses flash cards to de-codify the few Hebrew words in his act.

"I know some of you may not understand everything in the act. I know you may be Judaically challenged. But the essence of a quintessential Jewish joke is one a Gentile doesn't understand and a Jew has already heard."

Alper's become a staple of the rubber-chicken synagogue circuit, drawing big laughs and making big bucks for congregations in need of a sure-fire fund-raiser. Sometimes he'll turn up in mainstream clubs, too; Alper is a regular at Zany's in Chicago, among other places.

But maybe you're still stuck a few paragraphs above. What's a rabbi/standup comedian, anyhow?

"Ever since I was a kid, I've dreamed of having my own TV show, making lots of money, and being surrounded by beautiful, adoring women. But then I realized that would never work for me because I'm Jewish and I could never be a TV evangelist."

Jews have a rich history of laughing at their own foibles and stereotypes, but Alper uses care to avoid reinforcing negative stereotypes. His act is "half Jewish, half general and 95 percent universal," he says.

"To me, anything racist, homophobic or dirty is inappropriate," Alper says. "When you laugh at some comics, you feel a little dirty, maybe you want to take a shower. I'm a clean comic. And, I would add to that, I don't do anything self-hating, anything demeaning to Jews or Judaism. That includes jokes about circumcision, which is a very sacred ritual. When Jews hear me, they feel good about laughing, they feel good about themselves."

"If anything I've said to you has hurt you or offended you -- you're too sensitive."

There was a time when Lower East Side/Borscht Belt comedians such as Jackie Mason could get a laugh by slipping a Yiddish word or expression into their monologues. Jews burst a gut laughing, Gentiles just looked puzzled at the fuss.

"I remember my father driving us to Sunday School, listening to Mickey Katz on the radio, and just laughing and laughing," Alper says. "He was so amazed that they'd say that stuff on the radio, because Katz would say stuff you weren't supposed to say. But it was Yiddish -- which no one at WJAR-AM knew."

Alper -- whose personal comedy hero is Mel Brooks -- says there are very few remaining "Jewish" comedians like Katz and Mason. Even the best-known Jewish comedians -- Jack Benny and George Burns, for example -- were never recognized for doing ethnic humor.

"I think it's almost gone," Alper says. "There are a lot of comedians who happen to be Jewish but there are not that many Jewish comedians. We're one generation removed from the immigrant era. That was 'Jewish' humor. Nowadays, there's a much more assimilated lifestyle. There's a lot of Jewish comedians but they're not as Jewish. They don't use their Jewish roots or background, maybe 'cause they don't have much of a Jewish background. They just happen to be Jewish."

Much of Alper's routine is situational, drawing equal parts from his long career as a rabbi, as a father of two, and more recently, as a rabbi living in Vermont. Unlike the self-deprecating Jewish humorists of another era, he uses modern American Jewish life as his focal point and approaches it in a positive, gentle way.

Synagogues hire a guy like Alper when they want to sponsor a comedy night but find the average lay comic a bit, umm, raw. "It's community-building when you bring people together and have laughs for a night," he says. "With me not only do they laugh all night but the aftertaste is very good. That's because it's a positive show. I think if they were laughing all night then felt guilty the next day, they'd want to forget they were laughing at dirty jokes in front of the arc. With me, they feel good and they continue to feel good afterward."

What's really great for Alper about working the synagogue circuit as opposed to traditional nightclubs is no hecklers.

"To me," he says, "a heckler is when a man gets up, walks to the side and pours himself a soda."

Well, almost no hecklers:

"I went to visit an older woman in the hospital. She was in the fetal position. I introduced myself and said, 'Mrs. Shapiro, I'm Rabbi Alper.' no response, didn't blink an eye. I stood there talking to her for five minutes. No response whatsoever. Finally, I said, 'I'm going to be going now, Mrs. Shapiro. As I walked through the door I heard her utter her only words: 'Short visit, Rabbi.' "

Alper believes the place of humor in organized religion is "enormous."

"It hasn't been discussed enough," he says. "Like when Norman Cousins finally discovered the role of humor in healing. If a congregation can laugh for an hour, it's a health-giving, spirit-raising experience. With all due respect to my colleagues, I believe if people can laugh for an hour, it's just as valuable as a profound sermon."

When Alper left Philadelphia for East Dorset, Vermont, he began developing material on an entirely different Jewish experience. Not because there are many Jews there; in fact, precisely because there are so few.

Whereas he could once try out new material on congregants in the City of Brotherly Love, he now starts with Pete LaFurgy, the East Dorset postmaster.

"Unless you're an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic," Alper explains, "nobody knows about East Dorset. But it's the home of Bill W., the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. The post office is across the street from Bill W.'s home. I go in there everyday to get my mail. Usually, in passing stuff through the window, I'll try out my newest line on Pete and see how it works on him. If it seems to work, then I go across the street to Ray Petry, who runs the East Dorset General Store. Ray used to be a hospital administrator in Saudi Arabia, now he runs a general store. I try the material on him. Then, if I think it's really cooking, on Tuesdays at lunchtime, I'll do it at Rotary Club."

Only LaFurgy is Jewish, but not by his or Reform Judaism's definition. "His great-grandfather was a rabbi and his great-grandfather was the father of his grandmother, who was the mother of his mother, who was the mother of him, so according to halacha the matrilineal line, he's Jewish," Alper says. "But according to him, he's not. He only learned his great-grandfather was a Jew and a rabbi as an adult."

As a result, Alper doesn't try too much esoteric Jewish humor on his East Dorset friends. For example, here's the joke he told Pete and Ray: At one time we had three cats. We named them muffin, tiger and Rabbi Maurice Feldman. "But there's a line that goes with it that I only use with Jewish groups," Alper says. "It's so in, it's a rabbi's joke: We had another cat that used to sleep till 3:30 every afternoon. We named him Cantor Goldenberg."

While he wasn't the class clown, Bob Alper was always funny and always looking for a chance to crack up his friends. In high school he lifted Shelly Berman and Bob Newhart routines on "Talent Night." It worked: "I met girls, got attention -- and built self-esteem," he says.

Curiously, as far back as high school he knew he had the calling -- he wanted to be a rabbi and a stand-up comedian. But there was a detour or two in his path. "I went to Lehigh University, where I was not funny," he recalls. "Well, I was in glee club. I guess I was funny there."

He studied social relations, a cross-pollination of three majors, sociology, social psychology and anthropology. As graduation approached, Alper couldn't decided between pursuing an MBA or the rabbinate. What pushed him over the edge was a friend applying to Hebrew Union College in Cincinnati who talked him into it. At least he'd have a friend there, he figured.

"I've been a rabbi for 22 years and the last I heard of him he was in California making roach clips," Alper says, laughing. "He dropped out after a year-and-a-half."

Rabbinical college requires a six-year commitment, including a year of study in Israel. It isn't a laugh-a-minute kind of place. But once, when Alper presented a major sermon for faculty evaluation, he parodied the other student rabbis and won an award for sermon delivery and oratory. After that, there was no telling Alper that religion and comedy didn't mix.

He was ordained in June 1972 and was hired by a congregation in Buffalo. "My first sermon was on the theology of Woody Allen," Alper says. "You know his line: 'I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be around when it happens.' " He told jokes in confirmation classes "to keep the kids awake." And during the Jewish holiday of Purim -- a celebration with feasts, dances and masquerades -- Alper parodied Fiddler on the Roof to the delight of his congregation.

"Just once I'd like to say, 'Will the congregation please rise? Oops -- I didn't say 'Simon Says!' Everybody sit down."

"I loved doing sermons so I could do some comedy," he says. "When you do services, nobody applauds you. But they will laugh, which is a better kind of applause. I found, as a rabbi, that the use of humor was a very serious gift. When I give a sermon, I hope I move people spiritually. When I make them laugh, I know I'm moving them spiritually."

Alper -- who's been married for 25 years -- frequently pokes fun at his own family. Not that they've always thought he was particularly funny.

"My daughter has started to," he says. "She started college and her best friend really thinks I'm funny, thinks I'm a celebrity. So she laughs at my stuff now. More than before. In the past it was, 'Oh, Dad!' Nothing I could say was funny.'

"My wife and I have an All-American family. We have a boy, a girl and a vasectomy. I know you're not supposed to favor one over the other, but ever since the boy and girl became teens, I've come to favor the vasectomy."

The turning point in Alper's schizophrenic career came in 1982 when he told jokes during an "open mike" night at a Philadelphia comedy club. His audience that night was small -- just the four other people who followed him on stage -- but he was hooked. Later, he came in third in a "Jewish Comic of the Year Contest," but as he puts it, "As far as I know, the guy who came in first is still a chiropractor; the guy who came in second is still a lawyer." A local television program broadcast portions of Alper's act, however, giving him a big push.

"I have a manager. I think every rabbi should have one. "You didn't like my sermon? See my manager.""

By 1986 he resigned from his pulpit in Philadelphia and moved to Vermont, where he started a small, part-time congregation and joined the local volunteer fire company and AJCO -- the Association of Jewish Chainsaw Owners.

Staying in touch with modern Judaism in Vermont means reading Jewish papers and the Jewish forums on CompuServe. "Plus part of the uniqueness of my act is being a Jew in Vermont. I talk about our synagogue up here," Alper says.

"We have more pick-up trucks per Jew than any synagogue in the country."

"We don't get cable. We have a satellite dish. We have orthodox neighbors -- they have two dishes."

The rabbi's Jewish life has evolved since leaving the pulpit. He still practices his religion, but says the biggest change has been following through without children in the house.

"Everyone goes through stages in their Jewish life, especially when you have children," he says. "You're child-centered, then you become adult-centered. I went to Purim services but it felt different. It's mostly families with young kids. I enjoy it, but not as much as when my kids were there. One Friday night I conducted services at a local temple because the rabbi was away. Afterward, I had Shabbat dinner with some adult friends. It was nice, but I'd prefer to have my kids here."

Not that he misses leading the congregation.

"Now on Shabbat I can choose to celebrate it however I want; I'm not performing or being judged on the quality of my sermon or the service I lead. I really like that," Alper says. "One of the nicest parts of this new career is I'm almost always home on Friday nights. Not working, not traveling. I respect the Sabbath in ways I couldn't before.

"Sometimes rabbis get really upset when they hear that," he admits, "because rabbis need to really be secure to be able to say, 'Yeah, Friday night I am working.' Because that's the truth. It's one of the hardest parts of being a rabbi."

In 1994, this rabbi's see-saw career tilted full-time in favor of comedy for the first time. No more weddings or funerals, baby namings or Friday night services. His popularity on the comedy circuit -- between mainstream clubs and private functions -- has finally increased enough so that he can support his family as a comedian who happens to be a rabbi, instead of a rabbi with a sense of humor.

Pretty impressive for a guy who doesn't work Friday nights.

"People were skeptical when I became a rabbi/comedian, that it would be offensive to the Jewish community, but it really worked out very well. I owe a great debt of gratitude to my manager -- Father Patrick MacDougall."

o o o (You can order Bob Alper's cassette, Rabbi/Stand-Up Comic {Really}, recorded in concert, by sending a check or money order for $10.95, plus $1.50 postage and handling, to Isaac Productions, Box 711, E. Dorset, VT 05253. He also has a web site http://www.bobalper.com .)
Copyright 2008 Bob Andelman. Click here for copyright permissions!

Best and Worst of 1991 (Tampa Bay Life)

Image via Wikipedia By Bob Andelman
(Originally published in the Tampa Bay Life, 1991)

What makes something the best? What makes it the worst?

Why, we do, of course.

This is the third year Tampa Bay Life has contributed to the local culture by stepping out on a palm frond to pronounce "The Best and Worst of Tampa Bay."

Putting aside all risks to their persons and professional reputations, Bobs Casterline and Andelman have once again searched (and scorched) the earth and sea for the finest and crummiest our community has to offer. And unlike amateur compilations offered elsewhere, the Bobs go beyond the easy ones like best pizza or best doughnut. Where else to find "Best News About Pinellas Park" or "Best Meteorologist, Cooking Division"? Or "Worst Father" and "Worst Art Show"?

(The Bobs' enthusiasm for their task was dampened only when plans for a new category - "Worst Restaurant Larger Than One City Block" - had to be scratched when The Kapok Tree in Clearwater closed.)

As is a Tampa Bay Life tradition, our readers have chimed in with their two grouper fingers' worth. So please, without further ado and self-aggrandizement, meet this year's winners and losers.

Best Reason to Start Watching the Local Evening News Again: Kelly Ring, co- anchor of WTVT Ch. 13's "Eyewitness News"

Best Track Event: 2nd Annual University of Florida Nude Relays

Best Business Name: Spurt & Squirt, Inc., Pinellas Park

Best Bite: St. Petersburg's Dogwater Cafe serves its meals in dog food bowls

Worst Tabloid (But We Read It Cover to Cover): The Tatler, Saint Pete's most anticipated and feared birdcage liner. Mike Allen lives in Pinellas Park but for some reason publishes a free rag that is distributed only in St. Petersburg's better neighborhoods. He is vicious and unrelenting towards city officials, Bay Plaza, the Times and anyone who won't buy advertising. His spelling and grammar stink, too.

Best Name for a Failed Business: Classic Casket Galleries, Largo

Sheryl Browne Knows Noose: The WTSP Ch. 10 news anchor wore a noose around her neck during a news update on Halloween.

Best Sports News: Three new sports franchises: The Tampa Bay Lightning (National Hockey League), Tampa Bay Storm (arena football) and Suncoast Sunblasters (United States Basketball League).

Worst Sports News: No baseball franchise. Drat! Drat! And double-drat!

Most Gratuitous Sex Video: Pinellas County Commissioners asked Vision Cable not to broadcast its "frank and candid" debate of an ordinance to regulate nude dance clubs and theaters.

Smith WAS Overhead Saying "Gobble, Gobble": Gov. Lawton Chiles nearly ran over Secretary of State Jim Smith in the wee hours of the morning while on a turkey hunting trip in a rural area outside Tallahassee. Chiles was trespassing on Smith's property and didn't see his secretary. Or so he says.

Best Art Show: Gasparilla, Tampa. Innovative artists, genres and variety.

Worst Art Show: Mainsail, St. Petersburg. Booooooring. It becomes more like a senior citizens' crafts show each year. We're curious about the upcoming show by artists whom the Mainsail selection committee rejected.

Biggest Coup: The St. Petersburg Times hired political columnist Howard Troxler away from the Tampa Tribune.

Persian Gulf Update #1: A Dade County judge said babies whose parents were deployed for months to the war in Kuwait should be put up for adoption if a relative can't care for them.

Best Neon: The surfer in the window of On The Beach Sports and Swimwear, Madeira Beach.

Kill All the Lawyers But This One: Richard Reinhart, a Bradenton assistant public defender, said not one word in defense of his client, prison escapee Thomas Edward Clements. It took a jury just seven minutes to convict Clements.

Best Garage Sale: Tampa Palms developer Ken Good's.

Persian Gulf Update #2: After three months without receiving a payment on his car loan, Barnett Bank of Tallahassee sent a threatening notice of delinquency to Anthony Giugliano. In Saudi Arabia. Giugliano was an Army reserve sergeant called up during the early stages of Operation Desert Shield. (The bank later froze the loan after a barrage of negative publicity.)

Worst Place to Skinny Dip: Madeira Beach. Lt. Matthew McShane arrested Roxanne Murasso and Gunther Fick for taking a midnight swim in the buff. Fick was allowed to put his clothes on for the trip to the police station; Murasso was not. McShane handcuffed the naked lady, put the naked lady in the back of his cruiser and paraded the naked lady through the Madeira Beach police station before being allowed to dress. The naked lady is now in therapy and will probably sue.

Best Bridging the Bay News: The new span of the Howard Frankland Bridge finally opened and construction began on the 49th Street Bridge.

Best Business Strategy: A record 13,251 bankruptcies were filed in Hillsborough County in 1990, an increase of 34% over the previous year.

Best Business Editor: After the St. Petersburg Times fired Len Apcar due to an alleged conflict of interest, the New York Times snapped him up as assistant business-finance editor. "We're satisfied there was no conflict," said his new Times boss.

A Horse is a Horse, Of Course, Of Course: Dr. Edward and Patty Kampsen of Tampa bought a horse for $18,000. It was intended to be used by their two children for show jumping but the horse was blind. They returned it. Horse #2 was too tall to qualify for youth shows. They returned it. Horse #3 had damaged ligaments and couldn't be riden at all. They returned it. Horse #4 was a thoroughbred the Kampsens hired to sue the seller of horses #1-3.

Persian Gulf Update #3: Two weeks before the outbreak of hostilities, U.S. Sen Connie Mack (R-Fl.) sent a letter to supporters asking for campaign contributions. He said sending money to him would "show support for our troops and our president."

Best Break: Roger McGuinn hired Largo-based band The Headlites to support and open shows for him on his 1991 world concert tour.

Best News About Pinellas Park (Gateway to Largo): They're improving their image; they're waxing the cars that are up on blocks.

Worst Father: A St. Petersburg man allowed a friend to rape his mentally retarded 9-year-old daughter in exchange for cigarettes. The girl's mother was in love with the man and held her daughter down for him.

Worst Road Hog: Traffic along the Howard Frankland bridged creeps along on a daily basis, but it came to a full stop for hours when a 500-pound pig named Goober escaped from the rear door of his owner's pick-up truck.

Best Excuse to Ride a Bus: The Pinellas Suncoast Transit Authority re-painted one of its buses to look like a '59 pink Cadillac.

Best-Kept Secret of Tampa's Neighborhoods: Police raided a "medieval dungeon" on Armenia Avenue where bizarre sex rituals were performed. Confiscated items included racks, whips, chains, masks, paddles, enema bottles and devices used to crush male genitalia.

Separated at Birth #1:
Developer Ken Good and Exxon Valdez Captain Joseph Hazelwood

Most Promising TV Personality: Kathy Fountain, WTVT Ch. 13. The midday talk show "Eye on Tampa Bay" would be "Murphy in the Morning" without Fountain's warmth, sincerity and journalistic technique. She's been at the station for years but is only now in full bloom.

Racial Intolerance #1: Wendell Bennett Jr., a reserve deputy in the Pinellas County Sheriff's Department, used a racial slur during a conversation inadvertently broadcast over a main dispatch radio channel. He was suspended for 14 days and ordered to attend ethnic sensitivity training.

Best Meteorologist, Cooking Division: Laura York, WFLA TV Ch. 8. She's won more state fair blue ribbons for her recipes than Ch. 13's Roy Leep and Ch. 10's Dick Fletcher combined.

Weirdest Sign: Hemmorhoid Clinics of America: "It's So Much Easier," Henderson Blvd., Tampa.

Best Mom: Rosa Martinez. After the agonizing tragedy of daughter Eliana's death from AIDS, Rosa took in two orphan sisters diagnosed with the deadly disease.

Best Mexican Restaurant/Convenience Store: El Sombrero, Largo

Worst Local TV News: WTSP's "Newscenter 10."

Best Line: To prevent men from using snakes as a way of meeting women on its beaches, the Madeira Beach City Commission passed an ordinance prohibiting reptiles on the beach. Turtles are advised to swim north to Indian Shores.

Best Sandwiches, Health Food Division: Caryl's Natural Foods, 121 Ft. Harrison N., Clearwater. Great shakes, too.

Dumbest Counterfeiter: Joseph T. Hill of Orlando became the first U.S. citizen ever convicted of counterfeiting Polish currency. The feds say Hill printed 3 million zlotys - worth about $316 - on his laser copy machine.

Best Autograph: On the wall of Magadan's Sports Cafe is a picture of one-time Tampa Bay Buccaneers first-round draft choice Bo Jackson. The inscription reads: "To Doc Gooden - Tampa Bay ain't shit. Bo Jackson."

Best Fight: Clearwater resident and Philadelphia Phillies catcher Darren Daulton went after St. Petersburg resident and New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden at Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia.

Worst Potential In-laws: A St. Petersburg couple was arrested after the husband picked up his step-daughter's boyfriend, held him overhead and tossed the boy off a 12-foot balcony. The parents were upset when they found their daughter, who is 12, alone with the boy, who is 14.

Best Burger Alternative: Gregory's Flame-Broiled Chicken, Clearwater and St. Petersburg

Best Magazine Selection: BookStop, Countryside Square, Clearwater.

Best Buns, State Attorney Division: The jury convicted Brian Keith Smith of first-degree murder for shooting a motel clerk to death. But before reconvening to decide whether Smith deserved life in prison or death in the electric chair, they asked a bailiff to deliver a single rose to Assistant State Attorney Robert Heyman. It seems the female jurors had enjoyed watching Heyman's backside during the trial. They even developed a nickname for him: "Bunsy."

Best Buns, Toy Division: A "Ken" doll - as in "Barbie and Ken" - purchased in a Tampa toy store was rather unusual: Ken was wearing women's clothes. The unique find was featured in Newsweek and Fortune magazines, as well as the Joan Rivers Show until a store clerk admitted it was just a late night prank. Ken is not - we repeat, not - a transvestite.

Separated at Birth #2:
St. Petersburg Times columnist Howard Troxler and late Times Publisher Nelson Poynter

Catchy Title: Both the Times and Tribune retitled their annual guides to the bay area "Discover Tampa Bay."

Best Way to Make Friends with Advertisers: After Creative Loafing Music Editor Tom Roe wrote about concert promoters in his weekly column, legendary promoter Jack Boyle of Cellar Door responded: "Dear Mr. Roe - Since you are so busy writing editorials about 'slimy promoters,' we will save you some time. In the future, don't call us for advertising ... we will call you. Sincerely, Jack Boyle."

Worst Job Candidate: Safety Harbor was interested in hiring Charles Dubyak as its new city manager. The city offered him a $58,000 salary - $17,000 more than he was making as manager of the small Panhandle town of Mary Esther. That wasn't enough for Dubyak. In his counter-offer, he asked for a $61,500 salary, use of a new car every three years (or a $500 monthly vehicle allowance); six months of severance pay regardless of why he might leave the job; life insurance of $100,000 on his wife and $75,000 on his three sons; and closing costs on the sale of his current home and on the purchase of a new one. Dubyak didn't get the job.

Most Annoying Columnist: Neil Cote of the Tampa Tribune's Pinellas/south regional edition. An endless whiner.

Best 3 out of 5: Nick Kordas and Scott Wilson agreed to flip a coin to decide who would win a hotly contested seat on the Redington Beach City Commission after each received 307 votes. Kordas won on the flip of a Canadian coin. As one woman told the Beach Beacon, "Only in American can an election be decided with a Canadian coin."

Worst Luck: A new newspaper, The Informer, vows to print the names of everyone arrested in Pinellas County. Sometimes they even print one that wasn't arrested, as in the case of a St. Petersburg carpet installer and father of three whose name was listed under cocaine busts. The man's employer saw the listing and fired him. "Unfortunately," said Publisher Ray Aden, "some people might be hurt by this."

Worst Credit Risk: Dixie Lee Dorsey, an unemployed Winter Haven woman whose only income is $480 a month from Social Security, ran up $43,714 on seven American Express cards during a whirlwind tour of Europe.

Best Reason to Buy Disposable Diapers: Ten-month-old Brandi Lynn Ford was saved from harm by her Huggies diaper when two men burst into her parents Riverview home and fired three shots during a robbery. One of the shots tore through Brandi Lynn's diaper and stopped. "It was a really thick diaper," said her mom.

It's the Real Thing: The Pinellas County Sheriff's Narcotics Bureau traded two tractor-trailers filled with 5,000 cases of Coca-Cola to Largo drug dealers for 350 pieces of crack cocaine and $13,000 in cash. (The drug dealers were later arrested.)

Best Reason to Advertise: Lonely convenience store manager John Young, 45, put a "wife wanted" sign on the side of his car. The Tribune wrote about the Clearwater man and the story was reprinted across the U.S. and Canada, prompting hundreds of calls. That's how he finally met Marilyn Dozier of Lake Charles, La., who began their first conversation, "Have you found any woman who wants to marry you yet?"

Sweetest Money Pit: With honey oozing out of every nook and cranny in their new home in northwestern Hillsborough County, Allen and Annette Clausen discovered 300 pounds of honeybee hives in the walls.

Best New Radio Station: SportsRadio 910 AM, WFNS. All sports, all the time.

Best Disc Jockey: Alicia Kaye, Q105, 9 a.m.-2 p.m. The first new talent hired at the Q after the Mason Dixon purge. Great pipes, she's funny and sexy.

Worst New Radio Station: Mix 96 FM, WMTX. All Mason Dixon, all the time.

Oh, That Gay! Parochialism is alive and well. Gay Culverhouse, president of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, told W magazine all about the differences between Tampa and St. Petersburg. "No one I know ever crosses the bridge that connects the two towns," she said. "I'm dead in the water there (St. Petersburg). I have no idea where I am. The two areas just don't mix." Except when buying over-priced tickets and concessions at Bucs games, of course.

Tribune Makes Everything Clear: "Tampa is a city, the location of Tampa Stadium, the location of Super Bowl XXV. Tampa Bay is a body of water between Tampa and some other places across the bay. So, if you're in Tampa right now, so far so good. If you're in Tampa Bay, your week is off to a bad start; get out before it gets worse. Tampa. ... Tampa Bay. ... Any questions?"

Racial Intolerance #2: Indian Shores Town Council member Jane Hawk referred to Martin Luther King Day as "National Nigger Day" and called blacks "spuds." She said King Day was a holiday for blacks and since Indian Shores had no black employees, the town shouldn't observe the federal holiday.

Worst Surgeon: Pennsylvania heart surgeon Dr. Horace MacVaugh was granted a Florida medical license despite being the subject of 18 malpractice suits since 1979. Nine of the patients in the suits died and nine of the suits were dropped.

Best Sounds: The Southeast Music Conference showcased 60 local rock, jazz and alternative bands at three venues over two days and was an incredible success for both music lovers and musicians.

Let's See, If He Didn't Mean Men, He Must Be Referring to ... : Florida Gov. Lawton Chiles urged young men at a Panhandle high school to respect the rights of "the weaker sex."

Let's See, If He Didn't Mean Buddhists, He Must Be Referring to ... : Along with special messages of congratulations for two members of St. Joseph's Church in Zephyrhills celebrating their 101st and 105th birthdays, an aide to Gov. Chiles inadvertently included a cover letter in which Chiles wrote, "Another special favor for the fish-eaters."

Best Billboard: "We Are Growing: LARGO - Home of 70,143 Nice People and 15 Old Grumps."

Best Book By an Ex-Buc: "Quarterblack, Shattering the NFL Myth," by Doug Williams.

Welcome to the 20th Century (You Almost Missed It): Ye Mystic Krewe of Gasparilla accepted its first black members. Women, you're next (if you live that long).

Best Columnist: Chef Miles, Creative Loafing

Best Local Band Name: Liz Back on Booze
Copyright 2008 Bob Andelman. Click here for copyright permissions!